Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Word has reached me that I have not updated in a little while. So they say.
There are plenty of things I could update you on, my fancy laptop, my honours year life, my honours project (you’d have to severely drug or ply me with alcohol to make me reveal anything about that…) but I think today children, I will tell you the story of Tantalus.
Tantalus was a bad man, a very bad man. He was a ruler of some city back-in-the-day back when people thought remembering the names of such cities was important. He was a very fortunate man who had the favour of the gods in Olympus. The great pagan false god Sam (read: Zeus) offered him a place at his table. Tantalus repaid this great honour by stealing the food of the gods, a delicacy reserved only for the divine: sour cream and bacon potato chips (read: ambrosia).
Stealing from divine beings with the power and temperament to turn him into a misshapen creature of legend was not the only thing our thrill seeking friend Tantalus was famous for (yes I ended on a preposition but I do not care). Our friend Tantalus had other accomplishments under his belt. For instance, he also had cause to kill his son and serve him (Tantalus’s son) as stew for his guests. He had a very good reason to do so: 1) he was clearly a mentally unsound fanatic pagan 2) the aforementioned guests were the gods of Olympus 3) did I mention he was mentally unsound?
But the gods knew of his perverse plan and whilst they might condone sleeping with their siblings or for that matter anyone, thing or creature that took their fancy AND wrecking the lives of mortals for their selfish gain; the one they could not bring themselves to condone was eating stew that was cooked out of dedication them, especially if it is out of fanatical devotion to them. The only god or rather goddess that tasted stew (tasted as in ate the entire shoulder of the delicious and tender boy) was Demeter who was at that time like any mother, distraught that her daughter could do better than her current choice of significant other. You see, Persephone was technically married to or at the very least spending a lot of suspicious unsupervised time with her uncle Hades (not that I think she really should be bother THAT much with this intra-fam union since Sam, Demeter’s brother was also Persephone’s father).
To cut a very long and boring story short, Tantalus was punished by the gods (gee… whodathunk?) and placed in an awkward position by all of them. After they had their fun: he was to stand in a pool of water with the branches of a fruit tree extended overhead. Whenever he reached up to the branches in an attempt to obtain nourishment, the low hanging branches would raise themselves just out of his reach and whenever he bent low in attempt to obtain moisture, the cool waters would recede. That children is why my laptop is named Tantalus.
I notice quizzical looks on your faces…
Fine. The direct lackluster version then. Philistines. The reason why I named my laptop Tantalus is because while my laptop is the sexiest beast alive in my house (and I would argue in the greater eastern Brisbane region) it serves as my slave not master. However, much it can display videos and games in 3D have the processing power to hack into most super computers AND still have enough power left to surf several porn sites at once; I must remember that its abilities will always be there as a tantalization. It tempts, seduces and promises much but at the end of the day, can never deliver that which truly satisfies i.e. a 1st class honours without sleeping with any of the academic staff. That is why my laptop is named Tantalus.
That is all.
Jon.P™
There are plenty of things I could update you on, my fancy laptop, my honours year life, my honours project (you’d have to severely drug or ply me with alcohol to make me reveal anything about that…) but I think today children, I will tell you the story of Tantalus.
Tantalus was a bad man, a very bad man. He was a ruler of some city back-in-the-day back when people thought remembering the names of such cities was important. He was a very fortunate man who had the favour of the gods in Olympus. The great pagan false god Sam (read: Zeus) offered him a place at his table. Tantalus repaid this great honour by stealing the food of the gods, a delicacy reserved only for the divine: sour cream and bacon potato chips (read: ambrosia).
Stealing from divine beings with the power and temperament to turn him into a misshapen creature of legend was not the only thing our thrill seeking friend Tantalus was famous for (yes I ended on a preposition but I do not care). Our friend Tantalus had other accomplishments under his belt. For instance, he also had cause to kill his son and serve him (Tantalus’s son) as stew for his guests. He had a very good reason to do so: 1) he was clearly a mentally unsound fanatic pagan 2) the aforementioned guests were the gods of Olympus 3) did I mention he was mentally unsound?
But the gods knew of his perverse plan and whilst they might condone sleeping with their siblings or for that matter anyone, thing or creature that took their fancy AND wrecking the lives of mortals for their selfish gain; the one they could not bring themselves to condone was eating stew that was cooked out of dedication them, especially if it is out of fanatical devotion to them. The only god or rather goddess that tasted stew (tasted as in ate the entire shoulder of the delicious and tender boy) was Demeter who was at that time like any mother, distraught that her daughter could do better than her current choice of significant other. You see, Persephone was technically married to or at the very least spending a lot of suspicious unsupervised time with her uncle Hades (not that I think she really should be bother THAT much with this intra-fam union since Sam, Demeter’s brother was also Persephone’s father).
To cut a very long and boring story short, Tantalus was punished by the gods (gee… whodathunk?) and placed in an awkward position by all of them. After they had their fun: he was to stand in a pool of water with the branches of a fruit tree extended overhead. Whenever he reached up to the branches in an attempt to obtain nourishment, the low hanging branches would raise themselves just out of his reach and whenever he bent low in attempt to obtain moisture, the cool waters would recede. That children is why my laptop is named Tantalus.
I notice quizzical looks on your faces…
Fine. The direct lackluster version then. Philistines. The reason why I named my laptop Tantalus is because while my laptop is the sexiest beast alive in my house (and I would argue in the greater eastern Brisbane region) it serves as my slave not master. However, much it can display videos and games in 3D have the processing power to hack into most super computers AND still have enough power left to surf several porn sites at once; I must remember that its abilities will always be there as a tantalization. It tempts, seduces and promises much but at the end of the day, can never deliver that which truly satisfies i.e. a 1st class honours without sleeping with any of the academic staff. That is why my laptop is named Tantalus.
That is all.
Jon.P™
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