Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Hello all
I know some of you have been hinting that I should update my blog. I will eventually, I've got 2 posts in the works but it's just not ready yet. Instead, today I'm just going to moan and gripe.
Something happened today at work and I was partially at fault. I shan't go into details, mostly because none of you would understand the parts in question. But just know that I broke something for which there are no spares for. When that's not entirely true, another Tech was working with me and he did the actual deed, though i was still involved.
Ever put in a lot of effort into something and STILL be bad at it? My job in one grand example. Much as I like to be good at my job, I'm just not. I'd like to be, but i'm not. There are screw ups by me every other week and it just gets to me. And I LIKE my job!
God knows I tried to be positive, put in effort and TRY to be a good Tech. The fact that I did well in the training in OETI does NOT help at all. If anything it just hammers me down even more.
Even my infinitely patient direct boss commented last week that I was "unprofessional". It's now worse that this has happened. Worse till is that LRI is coming and that this vehicle might affect the grading and in turn reflect badly of the camp. Or maybe I'm just drawing this out too far or started chasing donkeys but still. Maybe I'm just ignoring the good things but right now nothing seems to come to mind.
ANOTHER thing, I'm trying really really really hard to be a good Christian Witness here, but it's just so hard. There are temptations everywhere. I don't even revert to my old acerbic, hard hitting, quick witted self. I'm nice, hardworking, generous, considerate and it tires and disgusts me. Even if I wanted to I doubt the people here would understand what I'd be getting at. Not that they're dumb just that my humour is just too inbred.
Also THE OLD TEMPTATION (which you my close friends know about) is rearing it's ugly head here it's MORE so still tiring to fight it down. Like stopping bile from rising up your throat.
It's Valentines day as I type this and that in itself is another whole can of worms. No one seems to like me (I mean of the opposite gender that is and romantically). Of course there have been expressed interests but that was hmm long long long ago. I feel doomed in the love department and much as I try NOT to think or care about it I do. Despite what I say I respect women's rights, after a traumatic secondary school life come to regard them as objects but people, behave the same around both genders (unlike SOME people who act completely different when there are females around).
I'm tired of missing out so many things happening back in Singapore; YPM, Mel and Lisa (everyone should have known by now), Joanna's Shops and even a service in English. Tired of being away from my family and friends. Yes, I miss my family, because I love them, I don't necessarily like them but they are my family. Tired of lousy shared Internet connection. Tired of using a keyboard with weird spacing. Tired of having such difficult even if passing Christmas and Birthday presents to people.
Do I want to go home? No, but I do want to improve here. My counselor said there here would be a good place to find myself. I am finding myself here. Finding myself Tired.Finding myself frustrated at my own abilities. Finding myself numb to the move of God. Finding myself too concerned about how people perceive me.
In general I'm just disappointed with me and my life in general. Disappointed at myself for not doing well in my secondary school years. Disappointed at myself for having driven some people away from church. Disappointed at myself for failing my first year in poly.
Disappointed myself with not having the self control I want to have. Disappointed at myself for not being as great a friend as I want to be. Disappointed at myself for not being as social as I want to be.
Disappointed at myself for not being good enough at my work. Disappointed at myself for beating people down. Disappointed at myself when I restrain myself from doing so. Disappointed myself at having that "Thorn in my side".
Disappointed at myself for being so fearful. Disappointed at myself for being a praise glutton. Disappointed myself for being disappointed so easily. Disappointed at myself for not being the person I should be in God.
Perhaps it's not even manly to be griping so much I ( I wouldn't know, I haven't found many role models in my life) maybe I'll go drink beer, hunt something down or give unwanted advice.
I know there's a treasure trove of things here for me to analyze in future months (or years) and either laugh or delete away in embarrassment.
I really should copy this and spell check it. Or at least read through it again. But you know what? I'm too tired for that too.
GOD GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS SOON. QUICK. PLEASE.
Jonathan's Gem for today:
People who mistake giving advice for giving comfort should be shot. Giving advice in place of comfort is like showing vacation slides to a dying man.
I know some of you have been hinting that I should update my blog. I will eventually, I've got 2 posts in the works but it's just not ready yet. Instead, today I'm just going to moan and gripe.
Something happened today at work and I was partially at fault. I shan't go into details, mostly because none of you would understand the parts in question. But just know that I broke something for which there are no spares for. When that's not entirely true, another Tech was working with me and he did the actual deed, though i was still involved.
Ever put in a lot of effort into something and STILL be bad at it? My job in one grand example. Much as I like to be good at my job, I'm just not. I'd like to be, but i'm not. There are screw ups by me every other week and it just gets to me. And I LIKE my job!
God knows I tried to be positive, put in effort and TRY to be a good Tech. The fact that I did well in the training in OETI does NOT help at all. If anything it just hammers me down even more.
Even my infinitely patient direct boss commented last week that I was "unprofessional". It's now worse that this has happened. Worse till is that LRI is coming and that this vehicle might affect the grading and in turn reflect badly of the camp. Or maybe I'm just drawing this out too far or started chasing donkeys but still. Maybe I'm just ignoring the good things but right now nothing seems to come to mind.
ANOTHER thing, I'm trying really really really hard to be a good Christian Witness here, but it's just so hard. There are temptations everywhere. I don't even revert to my old acerbic, hard hitting, quick witted self. I'm nice, hardworking, generous, considerate and it tires and disgusts me. Even if I wanted to I doubt the people here would understand what I'd be getting at. Not that they're dumb just that my humour is just too inbred.
Also THE OLD TEMPTATION (which you my close friends know about) is rearing it's ugly head here it's MORE so still tiring to fight it down. Like stopping bile from rising up your throat.
It's Valentines day as I type this and that in itself is another whole can of worms. No one seems to like me (I mean of the opposite gender that is and romantically). Of course there have been expressed interests but that was hmm long long long ago. I feel doomed in the love department and much as I try NOT to think or care about it I do. Despite what I say I respect women's rights, after a traumatic secondary school life come to regard them as objects but people, behave the same around both genders (unlike SOME people who act completely different when there are females around).
I'm tired of missing out so many things happening back in Singapore; YPM, Mel and Lisa (everyone should have known by now), Joanna's Shops and even a service in English. Tired of being away from my family and friends. Yes, I miss my family, because I love them, I don't necessarily like them but they are my family. Tired of lousy shared Internet connection. Tired of using a keyboard with weird spacing. Tired of having such difficult even if passing Christmas and Birthday presents to people.
Do I want to go home? No, but I do want to improve here. My counselor said there here would be a good place to find myself. I am finding myself here. Finding myself Tired.Finding myself frustrated at my own abilities. Finding myself numb to the move of God. Finding myself too concerned about how people perceive me.
In general I'm just disappointed with me and my life in general. Disappointed at myself for not doing well in my secondary school years. Disappointed at myself for having driven some people away from church. Disappointed at myself for failing my first year in poly.
Disappointed myself with not having the self control I want to have. Disappointed at myself for not being as great a friend as I want to be. Disappointed at myself for not being as social as I want to be.
Disappointed at myself for not being good enough at my work. Disappointed at myself for beating people down. Disappointed at myself when I restrain myself from doing so. Disappointed myself at having that "Thorn in my side".
Disappointed at myself for being so fearful. Disappointed at myself for being a praise glutton. Disappointed myself for being disappointed so easily. Disappointed at myself for not being the person I should be in God.
Perhaps it's not even manly to be griping so much I ( I wouldn't know, I haven't found many role models in my life) maybe I'll go drink beer, hunt something down or give unwanted advice.
I know there's a treasure trove of things here for me to analyze in future months (or years) and either laugh or delete away in embarrassment.
I really should copy this and spell check it. Or at least read through it again. But you know what? I'm too tired for that too.
GOD GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS SOON. QUICK. PLEASE.
Jonathan's Gem for today:
People who mistake giving advice for giving comfort should be shot. Giving advice in place of comfort is like showing vacation slides to a dying man.
