Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Another deadly honest post.
Alright it's the day after the storm and things are looking up. I'm still deadly cautious about everything but since I'm on duty I doubt many things can go wrong today.
I suppose desperate situations call for prompt answers and in this case the Lord was kind enough to answer me via the book of Devarim i.e. Deuteronomy. After having typed out the post I opted for an early night. So I hopped into bed and played on iTunes a sermon by Ravi Zacharias "Interpreting failures, conserving victories". Which touch on Deuteronomy and it really spoke to me. Well while I was still awake that is; I find listening to something as thick and hard to chew as Ravi helps me sleep.
Anyhow I checked out the book the next day (i.e. today). And it comforted me some more. This is what chapter 8 (which spoke to me the most) says:
Chapter 8 v1-5
"
Be careful to obey all the commands I am giving you today. Then you will live and multiply, and you will enter and occupy the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.
Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands.
Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people need more than bread for their life; real life comes by feeding on every word of the Lord. For all these forty years your clothes didn't wear out, and your feet didn't blister or swell.
So you should realize that just as a parent disciplines a child the Lord your God disciplines you to help you.
"
Fits doesn't it?
Then I was reminded of my all time favorite Christian poem. From which I drew a lot of strength and comfort. A poem I want engraved onto my tome stone or urn whatever it maybe.
"When God wants to drill a man,
and thrill a man, and skill a man;
When God wants to mold a man,
to play the noblest part,
When He yearns with all His heart
to create so great and bold a man,...
that all the world will be amazed;
WATCH His methods! - WATCH His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
whom He Royally Elects!
How He hammers him,and hurts him,...
and with mighty blows,converts him...
into trial shapes of clay
which only God understands.
While his tortured heart is crying,
and he lifts beseeching hands,
How he bends but never breaks,
when His good He undertakes.
How He uses whom He chooses,
and with every purpose fuses him,
...by every act induces him,
to try His splender out;
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE'S ABOUT!"
It was then that the Lord lead me to remember that the promises that were given to me in my teenage years. Promises, both that had already happened and those yet to happen.
I came to the realization that I am and have always been a deceptive human being. No epiphany to be sure but just came to remembrance. I've always been manipulative of my surroundings and my close friends know this. Heck total strangers can some time sense this. This manipulative nature I'm sure works hand in hand with my pride.
Now, after a very long night's sleep understand why I've been put into doing something I'm rotten at. It's a humbling experience, no longer can I swagger about, being better than everyone else when I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel.
Another thing you might notice from the chapter spoke to me. " to prove your character " which is when the Lord shows you your character (I might be wrong on this though I can't see how) and he has and I don't like what I see. I want it to change, delta, morph, evolve into something better. Something Christ like.
One more thing about the Old temptation that's been coming back. This chapter also gave me an answer to it. Many times before this I like Paul have prayer numerous times that the Lord not subject me to this constant pain in my bottom. Something I always have to be on a look out for. Something that shames me even. So many times have I been dead sure that without this little thing nagging at the back of my head I'd be so much better at work, school, home and ministry. So many times have I placed that thing has what's been holding me back. Then again the Lord reminded me, that it really is about daily bread, dying daily.
That constant struggle reminds me how weak I really am. That I really, everyday, still need my daily bread.
I've also come to a realization how moods can subtly affect people. for instance yesterday I was fuming and emotional explosive with a forced calm. I noticed that everyone else took an early night as well. It may have been that they were tired too. But I'd better be more cautious of my moods from now on.
I still want to be a Good Christian Witness and not bring embarrassment to the the body of Christ. Lord help me.
Oh before I forget, in case you're wondering HOW the storm managed to pass. Staff HO (like you all know who he is) managed to wield the thing back together again. THANK YOU STAFF HO.
I've finally found a chance to go to Kao Hsiung to get the Christmas T - shirts done. So what that means to all you who've asked me for more photos is that that you aren't getting any. Mostly because I've found an even more efficient use for my digi-camera; video. Though it's sad that with a 512 SD card I can only get about 20 mins of footage but it seems to be enough for the job.
Thanks for those that responded I do feel better.
Jonathan's Gem for today:
It most advisable to have aleast 200mb hard disk space free on your laptop lest your com starts harassing you.
That is all
Jacob to Israel
Jon.P
Alright it's the day after the storm and things are looking up. I'm still deadly cautious about everything but since I'm on duty I doubt many things can go wrong today.
I suppose desperate situations call for prompt answers and in this case the Lord was kind enough to answer me via the book of Devarim i.e. Deuteronomy. After having typed out the post I opted for an early night. So I hopped into bed and played on iTunes a sermon by Ravi Zacharias "Interpreting failures, conserving victories". Which touch on Deuteronomy and it really spoke to me. Well while I was still awake that is; I find listening to something as thick and hard to chew as Ravi helps me sleep.
Anyhow I checked out the book the next day (i.e. today). And it comforted me some more. This is what chapter 8 (which spoke to me the most) says:
Chapter 8 v1-5
"
Be careful to obey all the commands I am giving you today. Then you will live and multiply, and you will enter and occupy the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.
Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands.
Yes, he humbled you by letting you go hungry and then feeding you with manna, food previously unknown to you and your ancestors. He did it to teach you that people need more than bread for their life; real life comes by feeding on every word of the Lord. For all these forty years your clothes didn't wear out, and your feet didn't blister or swell.
So you should realize that just as a parent disciplines a child the Lord your God disciplines you to help you.
"
Fits doesn't it?
Then I was reminded of my all time favorite Christian poem. From which I drew a lot of strength and comfort. A poem I want engraved onto my tome stone or urn whatever it maybe.
"When God wants to drill a man,
and thrill a man, and skill a man;
When God wants to mold a man,
to play the noblest part,
When He yearns with all His heart
to create so great and bold a man,...
that all the world will be amazed;
WATCH His methods! - WATCH His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
whom He Royally Elects!
How He hammers him,and hurts him,...
and with mighty blows,converts him...
into trial shapes of clay
which only God understands.
While his tortured heart is crying,
and he lifts beseeching hands,
How he bends but never breaks,
when His good He undertakes.
How He uses whom He chooses,
and with every purpose fuses him,
...by every act induces him,
to try His splender out;
GOD KNOWS WHAT HE'S ABOUT!"
It was then that the Lord lead me to remember that the promises that were given to me in my teenage years. Promises, both that had already happened and those yet to happen.
I came to the realization that I am and have always been a deceptive human being. No epiphany to be sure but just came to remembrance. I've always been manipulative of my surroundings and my close friends know this. Heck total strangers can some time sense this. This manipulative nature I'm sure works hand in hand with my pride.
Now, after a very long night's sleep understand why I've been put into doing something I'm rotten at. It's a humbling experience, no longer can I swagger about, being better than everyone else when I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel.
Another thing you might notice from the chapter spoke to me. " to prove your character " which is when the Lord shows you your character (I might be wrong on this though I can't see how) and he has and I don't like what I see. I want it to change, delta, morph, evolve into something better. Something Christ like.
One more thing about the Old temptation that's been coming back. This chapter also gave me an answer to it. Many times before this I like Paul have prayer numerous times that the Lord not subject me to this constant pain in my bottom. Something I always have to be on a look out for. Something that shames me even. So many times have I been dead sure that without this little thing nagging at the back of my head I'd be so much better at work, school, home and ministry. So many times have I placed that thing has what's been holding me back. Then again the Lord reminded me, that it really is about daily bread, dying daily.
That constant struggle reminds me how weak I really am. That I really, everyday, still need my daily bread.
I've also come to a realization how moods can subtly affect people. for instance yesterday I was fuming and emotional explosive with a forced calm. I noticed that everyone else took an early night as well. It may have been that they were tired too. But I'd better be more cautious of my moods from now on.
I still want to be a Good Christian Witness and not bring embarrassment to the the body of Christ. Lord help me.
Oh before I forget, in case you're wondering HOW the storm managed to pass. Staff HO (like you all know who he is) managed to wield the thing back together again. THANK YOU STAFF HO.
I've finally found a chance to go to Kao Hsiung to get the Christmas T - shirts done. So what that means to all you who've asked me for more photos is that that you aren't getting any. Mostly because I've found an even more efficient use for my digi-camera; video. Though it's sad that with a 512 SD card I can only get about 20 mins of footage but it seems to be enough for the job.
Thanks for those that responded I do feel better.
Jonathan's Gem for today:
It most advisable to have aleast 200mb hard disk space free on your laptop lest your com starts harassing you.
That is all
Jacob to Israel
Jon.P
Hello all
I know some of you have been hinting that I should update my blog. I will eventually, I've got 2 posts in the works but it's just not ready yet. Instead, today I'm just going to moan and gripe.
Something happened today at work and I was partially at fault. I shan't go into details, mostly because none of you would understand the parts in question. But just know that I broke something for which there are no spares for. When that's not entirely true, another Tech was working with me and he did the actual deed, though i was still involved.
Ever put in a lot of effort into something and STILL be bad at it? My job in one grand example. Much as I like to be good at my job, I'm just not. I'd like to be, but i'm not. There are screw ups by me every other week and it just gets to me. And I LIKE my job!
God knows I tried to be positive, put in effort and TRY to be a good Tech. The fact that I did well in the training in OETI does NOT help at all. If anything it just hammers me down even more.
Even my infinitely patient direct boss commented last week that I was "unprofessional". It's now worse that this has happened. Worse till is that LRI is coming and that this vehicle might affect the grading and in turn reflect badly of the camp. Or maybe I'm just drawing this out too far or started chasing donkeys but still. Maybe I'm just ignoring the good things but right now nothing seems to come to mind.
ANOTHER thing, I'm trying really really really hard to be a good Christian Witness here, but it's just so hard. There are temptations everywhere. I don't even revert to my old acerbic, hard hitting, quick witted self. I'm nice, hardworking, generous, considerate and it tires and disgusts me. Even if I wanted to I doubt the people here would understand what I'd be getting at. Not that they're dumb just that my humour is just too inbred.
Also THE OLD TEMPTATION (which you my close friends know about) is rearing it's ugly head here it's MORE so still tiring to fight it down. Like stopping bile from rising up your throat.
It's Valentines day as I type this and that in itself is another whole can of worms. No one seems to like me (I mean of the opposite gender that is and romantically). Of course there have been expressed interests but that was hmm long long long ago. I feel doomed in the love department and much as I try NOT to think or care about it I do. Despite what I say I respect women's rights, after a traumatic secondary school life come to regard them as objects but people, behave the same around both genders (unlike SOME people who act completely different when there are females around).
I'm tired of missing out so many things happening back in Singapore; YPM, Mel and Lisa (everyone should have known by now), Joanna's Shops and even a service in English. Tired of being away from my family and friends. Yes, I miss my family, because I love them, I don't necessarily like them but they are my family. Tired of lousy shared Internet connection. Tired of using a keyboard with weird spacing. Tired of having such difficult even if passing Christmas and Birthday presents to people.
Do I want to go home? No, but I do want to improve here. My counselor said there here would be a good place to find myself. I am finding myself here. Finding myself Tired.Finding myself frustrated at my own abilities. Finding myself numb to the move of God. Finding myself too concerned about how people perceive me.
In general I'm just disappointed with me and my life in general. Disappointed at myself for not doing well in my secondary school years. Disappointed at myself for having driven some people away from church. Disappointed at myself for failing my first year in poly.
Disappointed myself with not having the self control I want to have. Disappointed at myself for not being as great a friend as I want to be. Disappointed at myself for not being as social as I want to be.
Disappointed at myself for not being good enough at my work. Disappointed at myself for beating people down. Disappointed at myself when I restrain myself from doing so. Disappointed myself at having that "Thorn in my side".
Disappointed at myself for being so fearful. Disappointed at myself for being a praise glutton. Disappointed myself for being disappointed so easily. Disappointed at myself for not being the person I should be in God.
Perhaps it's not even manly to be griping so much I ( I wouldn't know, I haven't found many role models in my life) maybe I'll go drink beer, hunt something down or give unwanted advice.
I know there's a treasure trove of things here for me to analyze in future months (or years) and either laugh or delete away in embarrassment.
I really should copy this and spell check it. Or at least read through it again. But you know what? I'm too tired for that too.
GOD GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS SOON. QUICK. PLEASE.
Jonathan's Gem for today:
People who mistake giving advice for giving comfort should be shot. Giving advice in place of comfort is like showing vacation slides to a dying man.
I know some of you have been hinting that I should update my blog. I will eventually, I've got 2 posts in the works but it's just not ready yet. Instead, today I'm just going to moan and gripe.
Something happened today at work and I was partially at fault. I shan't go into details, mostly because none of you would understand the parts in question. But just know that I broke something for which there are no spares for. When that's not entirely true, another Tech was working with me and he did the actual deed, though i was still involved.
Ever put in a lot of effort into something and STILL be bad at it? My job in one grand example. Much as I like to be good at my job, I'm just not. I'd like to be, but i'm not. There are screw ups by me every other week and it just gets to me. And I LIKE my job!
God knows I tried to be positive, put in effort and TRY to be a good Tech. The fact that I did well in the training in OETI does NOT help at all. If anything it just hammers me down even more.
Even my infinitely patient direct boss commented last week that I was "unprofessional". It's now worse that this has happened. Worse till is that LRI is coming and that this vehicle might affect the grading and in turn reflect badly of the camp. Or maybe I'm just drawing this out too far or started chasing donkeys but still. Maybe I'm just ignoring the good things but right now nothing seems to come to mind.
ANOTHER thing, I'm trying really really really hard to be a good Christian Witness here, but it's just so hard. There are temptations everywhere. I don't even revert to my old acerbic, hard hitting, quick witted self. I'm nice, hardworking, generous, considerate and it tires and disgusts me. Even if I wanted to I doubt the people here would understand what I'd be getting at. Not that they're dumb just that my humour is just too inbred.
Also THE OLD TEMPTATION (which you my close friends know about) is rearing it's ugly head here it's MORE so still tiring to fight it down. Like stopping bile from rising up your throat.
It's Valentines day as I type this and that in itself is another whole can of worms. No one seems to like me (I mean of the opposite gender that is and romantically). Of course there have been expressed interests but that was hmm long long long ago. I feel doomed in the love department and much as I try NOT to think or care about it I do. Despite what I say I respect women's rights, after a traumatic secondary school life come to regard them as objects but people, behave the same around both genders (unlike SOME people who act completely different when there are females around).
I'm tired of missing out so many things happening back in Singapore; YPM, Mel and Lisa (everyone should have known by now), Joanna's Shops and even a service in English. Tired of being away from my family and friends. Yes, I miss my family, because I love them, I don't necessarily like them but they are my family. Tired of lousy shared Internet connection. Tired of using a keyboard with weird spacing. Tired of having such difficult even if passing Christmas and Birthday presents to people.
Do I want to go home? No, but I do want to improve here. My counselor said there here would be a good place to find myself. I am finding myself here. Finding myself Tired.Finding myself frustrated at my own abilities. Finding myself numb to the move of God. Finding myself too concerned about how people perceive me.
In general I'm just disappointed with me and my life in general. Disappointed at myself for not doing well in my secondary school years. Disappointed at myself for having driven some people away from church. Disappointed at myself for failing my first year in poly.
Disappointed myself with not having the self control I want to have. Disappointed at myself for not being as great a friend as I want to be. Disappointed at myself for not being as social as I want to be.
Disappointed at myself for not being good enough at my work. Disappointed at myself for beating people down. Disappointed at myself when I restrain myself from doing so. Disappointed myself at having that "Thorn in my side".
Disappointed at myself for being so fearful. Disappointed at myself for being a praise glutton. Disappointed myself for being disappointed so easily. Disappointed at myself for not being the person I should be in God.
Perhaps it's not even manly to be griping so much I ( I wouldn't know, I haven't found many role models in my life) maybe I'll go drink beer, hunt something down or give unwanted advice.
I know there's a treasure trove of things here for me to analyze in future months (or years) and either laugh or delete away in embarrassment.
I really should copy this and spell check it. Or at least read through it again. But you know what? I'm too tired for that too.
GOD GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS SOON. QUICK. PLEASE.
Jonathan's Gem for today:
People who mistake giving advice for giving comfort should be shot. Giving advice in place of comfort is like showing vacation slides to a dying man.
